I’m terrified of the future.
I am scared for the day that my mom is really gone. I know it’s already like she’s gone but I think there is a big difference between my mind having a safe place knowing she’s still physically on earth and then knowing that she isn’t on this earth anymore at all.
I am also scared for my own future, I know I will make it a beautiful one no matter where I end up. But the matter of fact is that I have this disease and death always looming over my head. Maybe I will get lucky who knows, but my brother and I wouldn’t deserve to get sick the way my mother is. She never deserved it either. She’s literally the best woman I know and knew.
She always gave and never took. No matter the human being she was always kind. My brother and I meant the world to her, even while she was still living at home and sick she wanted to do every single thing for us until she couldn’t anymore. She would cook every single meal for us while she was sick even when she was struggling to do so. That was the person she was.
She always told me she wanted to fly to Africa and help the kids and babies who didn’t have good homes or enough food to nourish themselves. I want to do that for her. Since I am studying to become a teacher I want to travel to countries less fortunate than ours and give those kiddos an education and a safe space.
I will not have children of my own if it means there’s a chance of passing this disease on to them.
I want to fall in love and find someone whom I want to marry. I have this fear that no one will want to be with someone who has this disease in their genetics. My dad had to become my mothers caregiver and although he wouldn’t have changed anything or meeting my mother and having us, he is still in pain, I don’t want to inflict pain on anyone I love EVER.
I just wish none of this had ever happened and I live with it every single day. I want to pretend it doesn’t exist but it does. My heart is heavy when I wake up in the morning and also when I go to sleep. I keep busy to try to forget and this doesn’t mean I have to stop enjoying my life because I do. I am trying to keep myself happy every single day, but it can be really hard.
People in this world are nasty too. Maybe they are having a bad day or they are just not nice, but everything affects me. I hate not being able to keep people happy. But deep down I can’t handle any more negativity or sadness in my life. Whenever a small negative interaction happens or someone snaps at me I can hardly handle it. It feels like everything will push me past my breaking point.
I just wish I had my mama to help me through my life. I am getting older and it doesn’t get easier because I want her guidance and love. There are times where I feel lost and I know if she were here she would know exactly what to say to me.
Although I miss her and I am sad a lot, I am still living and doing what I need to do. Live isn’t worth living without being happy so I will keep laughing and smiling through my pain.
As always…
Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy 🙂
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