It’s been three years since my mom was diagnosed with FTD. I haven’t written on here in quite a while now but I am back and want to continue with my writing.
I am learning to live with my pain. The evilness of this disease comes in so many forms but one being the fact that all of my mother’s loved ones have to experience this prolonged sense of grief and sadness because it is a slow killer.
I think for the first two years I was quite lost. I was so sad all of the time even when I presented outwardly as this happy girl. I was struggling with school and balancing life itself. I have recently gained my motivation again. It doesn’t make it easier though. She is always a lingering thought in my mind. Obviously I wouldn’t want to not think about her because she was and is my whole world but it can be really hard.
I am working and doing school with the constant thought of my beautiful mom in the back of my mind. I am doing everything in my life for myself and to live a happy life while I can but I am also doing it to make her proud.
She is progressively getting worse, having trouble eating and walking, and I can’t bring myself to go visit her. I think I will feel guilty for not wanting to see her but in the state she is in, it breaks my heart to pieces. It’s hard for me to recover after those visits and takes me a few days to feel normal again.
My future is uncertain but I know that I want to live my life exactly how I wanted to and I will continue to do so. I am studying to become a teacher and provide kids with a safe and happy space to learn and grow. It is truly my passion and I am focusing my efforts on my career and the life I want to build for myself.
I will write again whether it’s in one of my moments of weakness and sadness or one of my moments of optimism.
As always…
Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy. 🙂
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