F*CK U FTD

It’s 2026. That’s kind of crazy to read back to myself because the last post I wrote was in July of 2025. Why haven’t I written you may ask? I think I was trying to forget about this part of my life. I hate this part of my life. I am back on this website with a heart that remains oh so heavy. As I last wrote my mom moved out of my house. That was a pretty traumatic thing to go through and the aftermath hurt a lot as well.

I was the only woman living in my household with my brother and my dad and don’t get me wrong I love them so dearly but it was an entirely different feeling. The emptiness really hit me a lot. Whenever I am at home I usually use my parents bathroom to shower or get ready because I had given my brother the one we shared. Some days I am okay and can just ignore everything but others I don’t, I’ll stare at her things in the bathroom. Everything so perfectly untouched half full just the way she left it. The slight smudge where she would dip her finger into her eyeshadow or the lipstick I refuse to put on because I wouldn’t dare when the indent on it would align so perfectly with her lips. Her perfumes are perfectly arranged in the cabinet and her scent just lingers over it all.

I live in my own house now. I have a bunch of roommates who are also some of my best friends and have been an immense amount of support if I need. They have never once judged me for my situation and have lifted me up when I’ve felt like I haven’t been able to on my own. I got a kitten as well. His name is Paloma James and he is a really huge light in my life. He is still a baby but is white and super fluffy, with the cutest little nub of a tail (it got deformed in the womb). I think that some of grief I feel daily I have been able to transform into my love for him. He is genuinely my everything and my baby.

I am 2/3 of my way through sophomore year of college so that means I am almost halfway done. I wish she was here with me every single day cause there are a lot of days I don’t know how to believe that I am supposed to do this whole growing up thing without her. I can confidently say I have a lot of “I just want my mom days.”

I got out of a very long relationship and he was my rock when it came to dealing with my sadness about her. I met him at the very beginning of college. It was a hard adjustment to have to remember that I can be there for myself and be independent although my life is in a very hard spot. I also have to remember it’s been hard for a very long time. I know that I have people surrounding me who love me but without her it kind of just feels like me, myself, and I. That’s probably just because there is not a single other person on this earth who could ever understand me the way my mama did.

Sometimes I’ll just sit and think what would I say at her funeral but I have to stop the thought because the overwhelming feeling of dread I have is unbearable. I have had experiences visiting her as well and I’ll talk about that in another post but I think that’s it for now.

As always…

Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy 🙂