F*CK U FTD

I am feeling somewhat defeated recently. I think it may be a touch of depression which honestly would make a lot of sense. I miss my mom so unbelievably much. My heart hurts on a regular basis because she was my best friend. She was my rock and she was the person to understand me better than anyone. I say that in past tense because no matter how much I wish it were still like that it isn’t anymore, she is still alive but not the person she was.

I am trying to adjust being the only woman living in my household right now but I am finding it a bit hard.

There are a lot of things my mom left behind. Once again I know she’s still here but it’s almost like the ghost of her. I’ve gone through her closet and picked out some clothes I like to wear and some of her shoes and makeup but it all feels terribly wrong.

I cried hard the other night while cooking some dinner. I was standing by the stove cooking with a cocktail in hand listening to some of the French music I like when it hit me like a bus. In that moment I felt like I was her. I used to watch her do what I was doing in that moment every night while growing up. She would blast her French music and drink her wine while making us dinner and it once again felt so very wrong. I didn’t want to keep cooking or do anything in that moment because I felt her presence lingering with me.

Another thing is how sensitized I am to things now without even realizing. Whenever I hear the word mom or anything that has to do with mothers it just hurts even though it shouldn’t. My friends will talk about doing things with their mom, like going shopping or going to the spa, and I feel as though I shut down every time. I have nothing to say to them in that moment because I don’t have a mom I can go do those things with. I would give anything just to go get a pedicure with her again, honestly I would give anything to just be able to have a full conversation with her again. It’s really hard because when I cry I just want her to be here to hold me because she really was my safe place.

I still haven’t gotten to see her yet which hurts the most right now because I miss her so much every day and its a constant reminder of the fact that if I’m missing her this bad while not speaking to her while she is alive how will I navigate everything when she is really and truly gone, I don’t know if I can do this but somehow I need to.

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I don’t feel that way at all. I am crying while writing this, which is a pretty usual occurrence while typing my blog posts but I just keep envisioning her running into my room, seeing me in tears, and laying in bed holding me. All I can do right now is try to remember the feeling of her hands wrapped so tightly around me. I miss her voice and I miss her smell.

I know I will be okay and I know I will get through this.

As always…

Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy 🙂