F*CK U FTD

It’s been quite a few months since I have posted a blog entry. Life has changed a lot. I finished my first year in college which was hard but well worth it. High school was a tough time for me and I left there with a 2.4 or less GPA I can’t remember the exact number. But, that being said I left my first year of college now having a 3.48 and that number is a lot more memorable if you ask me. I have worked my ass off to get where I am now academically and mentally in my life although it had been really challenging giving all my family is going through at the moment

The moment finally came, the start of the hardest part of it all. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions, some that I don’t think I’ve even felt before. We had to move my mom into a home. It was the second hardest goodbye I think I will ever have to experience the first one not having happened yet. Goodbye to the beautiful woman who raised me and this one isn’t a permanent goodbye since she is still here and I will feel blessed to have every single minute I can with her.

The day came that I knew she was leaving and I couldn’t stop sobbing my eyes out to the point where they hurt. I have tried very hard to not cry in front of my mom because although she seems to not fully understand I know she does. I know that when she sees the tears flow out of my eyes that all she wants to do is hug me and tell me it will be okay but she can’t. I see her face fall when she sees me cry and I see the words she wants to say to me choke in the back of her throat. But on this particular day I couldn’t hold it in and she saw me cry. I cried and cried and cried and she reached her arms out to me because I think she knew. That last hug hurt the most of all because deep down I knew it would be a while before I saw or spoke to her again. I hugged her and could barely even look her in the eyes and now I wish more than anything I had, just to have the lingering feeling of her soft big blue eyes staring into mine.

Today marks 6 days since I have seen or spoken to my mom. It will take some time until I am able to have contact with her since she will need to adjust to her new home and her new life. It breaks my heart into thousands of small pieces to know that at night she isn’t sleeping soundly across the hallway. She lingers in every single corner of this house from the decorations and photos she hung on the walls to the closet full of clothes and all of her makeup and perfume. The things she left behind that she will never touch again. I pray her smell never fades away. I feel so awful that I am not there for her right now and that I can’t lay in bed with her to help her sleep but I know this is what she would’ve wanted. She would’ve hated to see us in more pain than our family already is.

Here is the last thing I will say, she was right when she told my dad he needed to take her out of the home as soon as he could. That night when I came home I walked in to see my dad on the couch. My friends had spent the day with me and my brother had come to hangout with us that evening just so him and I could be together so we all came home together. We sat in the living room all together for hours that night. We laughed and we cried and we danced and sang. We told stories about my mom because she is just so loved, and looked through photo albums. This was the first night in a really long time it felt like I had my family back again. This has caused our family so much pain I hardly even realized that we all lived among each other but hardly really interacted. It made me cry but it made me cry happily to know that even in the state she is in my mother always knows what’s best.

As always…

Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy. 🙂