F*CK U FTD

Hi blog, today has been a bit of a hard day. I haven’t written anything in a few weeks because I’ve been settling into a new quarter of school and there’s been a lot going on. I do have some unfortunate news though.

It really has been weighing quite heavily on my heart, but while I was home for break I found out that that would most likely be my last time ever living with my mom. It really is a quite devastating realization.

The saying I keep telling myself over and over again is to just keep going or “just keep swimming” as Dory would say. I don’t have any other choice than to keep swimming and to try to keep my head above water.

I think the fact that I won’t live with my mother again is really hitting me. I am having lots of trouble sleeping because the recurring thought I am having now is what will home be like? What will home look like without my mother. She is the glue, she was the boss of the household. I genuinely cannot comprehend a version of it without her.

I’ve said that a lot though, how will I get through this step or this step. And somehow I just keep doing it. One thing after another happens and even though prior my brain wouldn’t be able wrap itself around the idea that these milestones would happen, they have happened and they have been left behind.

I know that I can do this. I know that I can survive through this, and I have to keep telling myself that. There is no giving up, giving up means dying and that is never an option.

I need to live for my mama. I want to go travel the world just like she did and I want to experience every single little piece life has to offer me. I will strive to be a ray of sunshine in the darkness no matter where and for who. I am going to be the woman my mother was and more. She was my creator and therefore a part of me is her and that is the biggest thing I will carry with me.

I am going to name my first born daughter Julie after my mother. I won’t say her real name on here for obvious reasons but those who know my family and I will know the significance of that name. Since my mother won’t ever be there to meet her I am going to make sure she holds a part of her.

As always….

Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy. 🙂