F*CK U FTD

Hi blog, it’s been a few days! I won’t post on here every single day just days where I really feel like writing.

So, I had a moment last night that I felt the need to share. All of the times I get with my mother I try to romanticize, since it is a little bit like the roles have reversed and I am the adult now and I don’t know how much time I have left. I was sitting in her bed with her last night because one of the things we do together now is watch movies and giggle together. I ALWAYS make sure to hold her hand because once again I want to hold her hand every chance I get. So we were sitting there and I was listening to my podcast when I looked to my right and saw she has fallen asleep holding my hand. I couldn’t help but just hold on so tight. This moment wasn’t meant to make me emotional but I couldn’t really help it.

I sat there as the movie played in the background and I checked just to make sure she was really asleep all while keeping a firm grasp on her hand. And I silently just started to cry. I was so happy to be there with her in that moment and provide her the comfort she needed to fall asleep and also so terribly sad because I never ever want to lose these memories and moments. I just wish with all of my heart that they could keep happening forever.

It really just is this insane mental battle. The happy and nostalgic feelings that flood over me or the terrible sadness, the kind where it really does just feel as though my heart is being crushed.

I ended up tucking her in. That is another one that is hard to wrap my head around. My whole life my mom was my home and my safe place. I was able to fall asleep at night after she tucked me in and gave me kisses. Once again it is now roles reversed. As quiet as I possible can I will tuck her into her blanket, take off her glasses, turn off the tv, admire her beautiful face, tuck her hair back, and end it with a kiss on the forehead. Then of course whisper to her quietly how much I love her.

These are the moments. The “fleeting” moments I will never ever forget. The moments that I am so grateful for now and the moments I will miss oh so terribly in the future. But never forget….

Smile as bright as you can everyday because life is short, too short to spend it unhappy.